It was my greatgranddad's funeral today,
and we were there to accompany him with his 'last journey'.
Tears were shed. Yes, welling up in my eyes.
But reasons weren't linked to the funeral, i would say.
I cried twice.
We were having prayers, and I looked around.
The scene was so familiar as months back was my greatgrandma's wake.
There were flash backs of it, and I realised, everything was the same.
But.
Just one that aint what it is anymore.
The man who allow me to step into this world wasn't with my family, anymore.
He wasn't there to make my brother laugh.
He wasn't there to be with us during the funeral.
My tears just rolled down my pale cheeks.
I told myself, 'yes, he would never be with us anymore.'
We went fo the cremation at this certain temple.
Relatives were crying and some went weak on their knees.
Then, I decided to pay my respect to my late grandpa, one who's very close to me when I was young.
I ran to look fo his urn that was placed at the temple.
Then I thought to myself, it have been years ever since I last visited him.
I saw his photo, and I broke down once again.
I honestly missed him so much.
He left when I was barely 8yearsold, yet many memories were still vivid.
I told him how much I've missed him, and I told him about his son.
I told him how disappointed I am with the man I addressed as "father" fo the past 18years.
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I've been trying to be strong, to be happy, to smile and tell myself,
"vivian, you've got all you need:)"
I won't deny, I've been longing fo a father.
A father who would dote on me, who would care fo me.
I won't deny, I always hoped that reality ain't what I'm seeing.
That I won't be upset, won't be thinking about him.
Does he know that I always hoped fo a twist in my life?
Does he know that I've always been thinking about him?
Does he, even, think of me before he sleeps?
I've to control my tears, be cautious bout them rolling down.
As I wouldnt want my mum to be upset.
I told myself, I wouldnt be able to forgive his doings either.
Why should I be miserable when my face don't even cross his mind?
He's not my father...
Not Anymore.
**Then yet again, would this entry change anything about my current life?
I'll learn to be strong and accept this fate as time goes by.
-withlovetoall.